can i just vent for a second?

Moving to another country is difficult... having to ration water during the day, do laundry at 1 am, and be hot and sweaty all the time is hard. But none of that really bothers me. It all makes for humorous stories- those things are not a big deal. Especially when I see the need all around me. I may not have water during the day, but a wonderful family at our church does not have floors in their house! I mean, can you imagine? Even when my family went camping as a kid, we always took matts and our tents had floors, etc. These people have dirt floors! So, I keep my complaints about insignificant things to myself. But today I am frustrated. Not with my circumstances or my location- I'm content in those things. Today I am fed up with myself!

Why don't I remember more spanish? Why can't I recall what I learned in high school? Why didn't I take spanish in college when I had the chance? I lived in Southern California for Pete's sake, why didn't I learn? I taught hispanic students and English language learners in L.A. for three years! Why didn't I learn? I went to a church with wonderful friends, many of whom spoke the language well. Why didn't I learn? When we first got here I studied like crazy! I was making so much progress. Then I got busy with other things... and I've forgotten. Then I spent two months in America, and now it's all but lost. I am so annoyed with myself.

I LONG to get to know the people who are coming to our little fellowship. I want to make friends with the ladies on my street and at the store. I want to share in their burdens, pray with them, be a servant. But instead I listen to everyone, smoldering inside over the fact that I can't contribute to the conversation. I mean sure, I get the general idea much of the time... I understand quite a bit... but I just don't know how to formulate my own thoughts and sentences. I was doing so well the first few months here, but now I've become lazy. But it stops today. I am so sick and tired of being on the sidelines... I want to communicate! So that's it. Instead of spending so much time on other things, I am going to re-prioritize, and include language study again each day. Time to get back on the horse... giddyup! (Wow, sorry that was really lame.)

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Staci said...

I'm sure you'll get it back once you start studying again. I took five years of Spanish, and can only say a few sentence anymore. I work with a lot of people from Central America, so I should be better, but like you, just had so much going on. Good luck!

4MalMal said...

hi lindsey,
your post made me feel guilty, guilty for not trying hard enough to pick up French. I guess u r right, it all voice down to priority. Maybe I should giddy up like u too :)