Moving to another country is difficult... having to ration water during the day, do laundry at 1 am, and be hot and sweaty all the time is hard. But none of that really bothers me. It all makes for humorous stories- those things are not a big deal. Especially when I see the need all around me. I may not have water during the day, but a wonderful family at our church does not have floors in their house! I mean, can you imagine? Even when my family went camping as a kid, we always took matts and our tents had floors, etc. These people have dirt floors! So, I keep my complaints about insignificant things to myself. But today I am frustrated. Not with my circumstances or my location- I'm content in those things. Today I am fed up with myself!
Why don't I remember more spanish? Why can't I recall what I learned in high school? Why didn't I take spanish in college when I had the chance? I lived in Southern California for Pete's sake, why didn't I learn? I taught hispanic students and English language learners in L.A. for three years! Why didn't I learn? I went to a church with wonderful friends, many of whom spoke the language well. Why didn't I learn? When we first got here I studied like crazy! I was making so much progress. Then I got busy with other things... and I've forgotten. Then I spent two months in America, and now it's all but lost. I am so annoyed with myself.
I LONG to get to know the people who are coming to our little fellowship. I want to make friends with the ladies on my street and at the store. I want to share in their burdens, pray with them, be a servant. But instead I listen to everyone, smoldering inside over the fact that I can't contribute to the conversation. I mean sure, I get the general idea much of the time... I understand quite a bit... but I just don't know how to formulate my own thoughts and sentences. I was doing so well the first few months here, but now I've become lazy. But it stops today. I am so sick and tired of being on the sidelines... I want to communicate! So that's it. Instead of spending so much time on other things, I am going to re-prioritize, and include language study again each day. Time to get back on the horse... giddyup! (Wow, sorry that was really lame.)